Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

Krampus.

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?