Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.