Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.