Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent: