Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
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“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.