Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

me in a relationship:

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said