Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

me, too, girl. me, too.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito