Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking