Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

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Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.