Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
If only
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
🤣😂
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
This will teach them to underestimate me
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone