Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.