Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots