Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine