Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
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Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Don’t snitch tag.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
finally
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me