Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

I just love that new Pope smell.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.