@heidi420x

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

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@WritePlay

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

@stevevsninjas

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

@DanMentos

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

@RonanFarrow

“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.

@TheWoodenslurpy

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

@BoomBoomBetty

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.