Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.