I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
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“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.