Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends