Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
What’s a Messi?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one