Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
there’s probably a fee though
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit