Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I think they could have phrased this better
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.