Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
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DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
And then there were 4
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep