Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
welp
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”