Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

Bruh

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.