Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

Covert ops

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?