Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.