Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Made something I’m not proud of

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

Möther may I have a snäck

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.