Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Friday File.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

Sign of the day..

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.