Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

(more comics:

haha same

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

I need a headline like this

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity