Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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I can’t stop watching this.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Well, my evening plans are ruined
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
brian had himself a morning…
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.