Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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Is Dutch some sort of clown language
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.