Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Happy thanksgiving!
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.