Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
is losing your mind a hobby?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe