Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time