i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
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Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested