Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

my first dose meeting my second

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.