Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Lmao 🤣

some Old Testament wisdom

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

United Steaks of America

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.