Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

Not all heroes wear capes….

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Noah

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

shakira sharkira

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

my one true gender

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.