Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

For those that worship cheese..

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️