Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
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Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Good morning ☺️
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
So Hamburger help me, God
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit