Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want