Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”