Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro