Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.