Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.
Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.
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Everyone should have that “tester” first twitter account to screw up and learn from… You know, kinda like that first child you have.
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You’ll know what I mean.
“Do you wanna build a snowman?”
“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”
*Pulls out carrot
“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Easily one of the best social distancing ads I’ve seen
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes