@TheMichaelRock

Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.

You Might Also Like

@CroweJam

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

@caliraingirl

Everyone should have that “tester” first twitter account to screw up and learn from… You know, kinda like that first child you have.

@Tommytoughstuff

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

@JessObsess

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

@ItsFunnyLife

Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You’ll know what I mean.

@just1fool

“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

*Pulls out carrot

“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”

@jenyb4

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

@junejuly12

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes