Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.