Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
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Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too