Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE