Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.