Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
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waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.