Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
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Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
excuse me
happy valentine’s day to me
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
Sorted
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
no their not
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.