Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
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My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
mathematically impossible
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
