Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.