Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

This could be us, but you weedin’.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

My dream car is a taco truck.

Looking at you, Jesus.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.