Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
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If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.