Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

you know what ruined my childhood? children

Just a phase…

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.