Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
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3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
me and who
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.