Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.