Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time