Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels