Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

making my dog give me my pills

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired