Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions