Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”