Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
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My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
seems fine
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.