Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
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me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Animal poetry
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
You wish you had this many chins.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
and now we wait
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?