Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

what do you want

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?