Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.