Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

can’t believe I got front row seats

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

ㅤ

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.