Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

My birth announcement for our third baby

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*