Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”