Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.