Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom