Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book