Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.