Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE