Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
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Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.