Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

bury ourselves

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

Punctuation Matters. Period.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.