Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
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Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…